


Connor Murphy's Guide To Befriending Trees And Therefore Becoming Closer To Your Boyfriend (ft. Evan Hansen)

by i_can_get_extra_with_my_fics



Series: DEH Guides To Life And Other Stuff [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22340782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_can_get_extra_with_my_fics/pseuds/i_can_get_extra_with_my_fics
Summary: Hello and welcome to Connor Murphy's Guide To Befriending Trees And Therefore Becoming Closer To Your Boyfriend (ft. Evan Hansen) (With occasional guest appearances from my boyfriend, Evan Hansen)Aka Connor gushes about Evan and talks about trees sometimes the fanfiction because quality content.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: DEH Guides To Life And Other Stuff [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851901
Comments: 125
Kudos: 199





	1. Introduction

Hello and welcome to Connor Murphy's Guide To Befriending Trees And Therefore Becoming Closer To Your Boyfriend (ft. Evan Hansen) (With occasional guest appearances from my boyfriend, Evan Hansen.)

Well, I guess this is less of a guide because I really doubt I'll ever break up with Evan. In the rare chance there are others out there with their own Evan Hansen then I guess this is for you.

What am I even talking about? I'm writing this book for myself. Oh god I'm a mess.

None the less.

Connor Murphy's Guide To Befriending Trees And Therefore Becoming Closer To Your Boyfriend (ft. Evan Hansen)

Boom. It's been started.

Progress.


	2. Step 1: Date The Human Incarnation Of The Lorax

The first step necessary for any of this to be effective is to be dating the human incarnation of the Lorax.

A.K.A the wild Evan Hansen.

Some tips for when you are trying to approach a wild Evan Hansen:

1\. Evans are too fucking cute to be human. It's a scientific fact.

2\. Evans can be found in trees. Be careful to be that to catch him in case he falls.

3\. Evans are so beyond precious. If he starts to cry your eyes will start to leak fluid as you are getting protective. Science has not proven that the fluid is safe or not. Until proven otherwise treat the eye fluid as a sort of poison. But science has proven that Evans think you being protective is sexy.

After acquiring a romantic relationship with an Evan be sure to love him with all your heart and make him feel heard and loved. You never know when your time together will end.


	3. Step 2: Comprehending The Mechanics Of A Stick

After acquiring your romantic relationship with an Evan Hansen, you will learn very quickly that and Evan's favorite thing is trees. He is the human incarnation of the fucking Lorax.

One of the main parts of a tree are its sticks. Sticks are very easy to come upon. They are on the ground literally everywhere.

The mechanics of a stick are simple. You either burn it, break it, or beat another species with them. That species being a Jared Kleinman. 

(Skip to step 7 for information oh how to handle Jared Kleinmans)

As simple as the mechanics of a stick are, there are some drawbacks to them.

Branches (Big sticks. Smaller ones are attached) can break as an Evan Hansen is on it. He then falls and breaks his arm.  
Bad scenario.

You can also inflict any damage with a stick that you could inflict on a Jared Kleinman on yourself on accident.  
Not as bad but still ban scenario.

Be cautious with sticks. 

They can and will kill you.


	4. Step 3: How To Have A Conversation With An Evan Hansen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has no real direction and you can tell. Ha ha ha. Help me.

One struggle with being in a romantic relationship with an Evan Hansen is holding a conversation in person.

Why is that? You may be asking. Well, that's because when talking to Evan you notice every fricken detail. 

All of these things can be lethal to your top energy when they're by themselves.

Together it can be lethal to your person as well.

~~~

Fidgeting

Evans tend to fidget a lot when talking to you. Whether it be the hem of his shirt, or his hands, or a coin, or a pencil.

It beyond adorable wither way.

It also makes you want to grab is hands and just hold then in yours to show him he doesn't have to worry and that it's just you.

Blush level: a little.

~~~

His eyes

An Evans eyes will light up whenever he talks about something he's passionate about/interested in.

Not just like light up.

That shit glows

It gets to the point that you don't even realise that you were only staring at his eyes until he asks you "What do you think Connor?" or whatever he asks you.

And then you get flustered because you weren't paying attention and then you can't answer his question and you have to fess up to staring at his eyes.

Blush level: Medium ish

~~~

His stutter (and sometimes lack thereof)

When Evans stutters it's so.e of the cutest crap ever. He's just so cute and tiny.

Blush level: normal

When an Evan doesn't stutter it's sexy. Big difference. The difference is important.

Blush level: le big blush

Be cautious when taking to an Evan. He can very quickly break through you bad bou persona and make it a bad boio persona.


	5. Step 4: How To Respect Trees

Trees are very important to an Evan Hansen. It is very important to know how to respect them.

Here are some ways to not respect trees:

Cut them down

Beat them with your fists.

Beat them with sticks.

Beat a lamp with sticks.

And so many others.

Some ways to respect trees include:

Pet the tree.

Hug the tree.

Sit in its branches and not jump out of it. (Still working on that one with Ev.)

Tell the tree you love it.

Learn about trees.

And there are so many other ways to perform this task. Be creative!


	6. Step 5: Leave This Guide Out So Your Boyfriend Can Find And Read It

Ok. First things first.

Connor, this is adorable.

Things like this are the reasons that I love you.

And yes. All of this is good. Be NiCe To ThE tReEs BiRcH!!!

I'll have to come back after you write the chapter on Jared. Be Nice Connor. I'm watching.

Also, I didn't know you liked it when I didn't stutter. Have to work on that. Flustering you is fun Con. And way too hard.

Since when was I the Lorax though? I thought I was acorn.

Oh well.

This is cute Con. Keep up the good work.

Love ya.

-Ev


	7. Step 6: Learn How To Salvage Your Reputation After Your Boyfriend Finds The Guide

This step rather impossible to archive. You can't recover. Evan now knows your weaknesses. And that this guide even exists in the first place.

But some things you can do to try to do a bit of damage control include:

Pretending you never wrote or read this guide. 

Pretend the guide never existed. 

Just move on to other chapters/stories.

Or just accept the fact that none of this is true and that you're ruined.

But you will be fine. It's just more of your walls coming down around Evan.

It will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

If you keep repeating and reminding yourself of these phrases, they might become reality.

Everything will be fine.


	8. Step 7: Prepare Yourself For The Threat Of A Wild Jared Kleinman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The author couldn't spell Kleinman in the first version of this chapter.

Jared Kleinmans are rather terrifying creatures.

They can come out of nowhere, and start slinging insults at you. Which you will most likely return because shut the fuck up Jared.

Two very common insults from a Jared are thot topic and school shooter.

Jared Klienmans are family friends of Evan Hansens. How? Science still doesn't know.

The diet of a Jared Kleinman includes bath bombs. Yes. This weird species eats fucking soap.

It was a joke in high school that never quite ended with the wild Jared Kleinman.

Jareds will get under your skin and make you snap quickly. Seeing as they have been evolved to annoy you.

They were to not have any natural predators. You'll have to coexist seeing as Evan doesn't approve of the murder.

You'll have to get used to the minor annoyance a Jared Kleinman if you ever have the misfortune of encountering one.


	9. Step 8: How To Be Sad Over A Fanfic Without People Knowing You Read Fanfic

One thing most people do is read fanfic. (I personally read Miranda, Dear Ethan Weyland, and Be More Cool. Yes I read Broadway fanfic. It has cute gay ships.)

One thing most people do is cry over a fanfic.

When being depressed over that Be More Cool zombie apocalypse au where Jerry died and Mitchell was really depressed because it was a Two-Player Gays fic. And Chrissy had to kill Jerry. And Jack essentially replaced Jerry. And Jack and Rick wouldn't stop being horny and like near fucking 24/7. And where Zoey, Becky, and Jenny were ignored.

When you need to be sad about that, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry. Like Mitchell. Because Mitchell In The Bathroom is a good song. Fite me.

If Evan comes home say you were listening to Mitchell In The Bathroom and Waving Through The Door Frame again.

He'll yell at you but he'll hug you and tell you it's fine. And no one needs to know that you read gay Broadway fanfic.

(Legit tho. Two-Player Gay, JackRick, OrangeLeaf, Laurms, and Paperdudes are good ships. Fuck off.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had too much fun coming up with those Broadway but nots.
> 
> Especially Paperdudes, and Waving Through The Door Frame.


	10. Step 9: Help Your Sister Get Engaged

If your sister's girlfriend ever comes to you and asks if she should propose you need to say yes unless she's a shady, cheating, hoebag, cunt.

But Alana is none of those things so it's chill.

Make sure your Evan is in on it too. It will be the cutest thing ever.

Things you have to do:

Not be jealous that Alana can ask Zoe to marry her but you can't ask Evan.

Keep it a secret.

Make sure it is the most romantic thing ever.

Don't get jealous.

Hide this chapter so Evan can't read it when he comes to read through this book.

Enjoy your sister's happiness.


	11. Step 10: Realize How Pathetic You Are

After your sister's engaged and everything goes good you will begin to notice certain things. Do not worry these things are normal.

But one such thing is a sudden realisation that you are incredibly pathetic. Yes you have been warned by Evan that hating yourself is bad. That is not necessarily the most important part of this.

The important part is that you are pathetic seeing as you can't ask Evan to marry you and then your sister's girlfriend goes out and proposes.

And extremely important part is to hide this chapter so whenever Evan comes around and decided to read this you don't get exposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super long wait and then a not so exciting chapter. But look! Plot! I swear there is a plot to this story. 
> 
> And don't worry. It's gonna get fluffier again soon.


	12. Step 11: Have Your Boyfriend Become Increasingly Suspicious Of You

Connor I doubt you've only written about Jared and the fact that you're a sappy fan boy but not about Zoe and Lana getting engaged. You're probably hiding a chapter or two but you're really good at hiding things you don't want me to find. 

At least I know that you read Broadway fanfic too. And I don't blame you for crying about that Two-Player Gays one. That hurt.

You were surprisingly nice to Jared. I'm concerned. Are you ok? You don't just "co-exist" with Jared. You two pretend to get along when you know I'm watching and/or listening. You forget I'm the tiny quiet one a lot. Boom. Exposed.

Also you don't have to freak out because I read this. I think it's cute. You're fine. Now if Zo or Jared found this it would be a different story. But I'm not Zo or Jared.

Love you Connor, 

Evan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're heading towards the the end of this. This is some cute gay. Umm.... yeet.


	13. Step 12: Make The Stupid Decision Of Asking A Zoe Murphy For Love Advice

Zoe Murphies can be useful for a lot of things. Like reminding you to put milk on the shopping list. Or convincing you to ask out and Evan Hansen. But other than that they can be rather useless.

I mean, I do not believe that making you feel like shit without noticing is useful so...

One thing you shouldn't do is ask a Zoe Murphy for love advice. I have made this mistake recently. But how much can you do when the one person you can ask for love advice is the person your in love with?

The Zoe you are dealing with will give you a really dumb bit of advice. "Just get the fucking balls and do it. Duh." Not exactly helpful. And now this Zoe Murphy knows about your rather pathetic love life. She can now blackmail you. She has the good shit she wants. It's like drugs for shippers.

Zoe Murphies are not only a concern for the police or an annoyance like a wild Jared Klienman. Zoes are faital. More faital than a stick. Be extremely cautious. Don't be the kind of idiot I am and try to get advice from one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This book, at most and really kinda pushing it, will be 25 chapters so. We're nearing the end.


	14. Step 13: Get Yelled At For Roasting A Jared Kleinman

If you did not heed the warning of not asking a Zoe Murphy for love advice then you could find yourself in the situation where you have to do everything she asks of you. Why? if you don't she'll ruin everything.

One thing a Zoe could want you to do is to make Evan mad at you. Just for the sole reason that Evan never gets mad at you. So then you proceed to pick a fight with the wild Jared Kleiman in your life and Evan gets super pissed. 

It doesn't work out very well and he spends the rest of the night yelling at you because "CONNOR YOU FORKING IDIOT!!!"

Not the most fun way to spend a night. And Evan is mad at you which hurts quite a bit. This is yet another reason why we don't ask Zoes for help with life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait my dudes. Thank you for being patient.


	15. Step 14: Take Your Own Advice And Go See An Alana Beck For Love Advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic isn't dead. I do plan on finishing it soon so there's that.

As time goes on the Zoe Murphy you are related to will become Zoe Beck. Seeing this you will find that your urge to propose to Evan grows stronger everyday. You will eventually realise that it is smarter to just ask an Alana Beck for love advice.

Alana Becks are incredibly smart creatures and the one currently in your life is married to the Zoe that is your sister.

The Alana Beck will make some amazing suggestions such as:

1\. Bonsai tree

2\. Blue roses

3\. Fairy lights in that clearing in the orchard that has become our spot.

4\. Paint the pot of the bonsai tree rainbow and write "gay tree" on it.

5\. Put forget-me-nots in the pot of gay tree

6\. One of those E-mails that we used to send to each other in high school but more relevant to now.

As you can see all of these are incredible ideas and yo are going to use all of them, and add on some of your own.

It is time for you to get gay.


	16. Step 15: Buying A Ring

Now that you have decided to propose to your Evan you kinda have to buy a ring. That's how proposals work.

But buying a ring involves research. And being sneaky.

Research sucks and being sneaky makes you feel bad and like you've been lying. But it's a white lie. So it's fine. Keep telling yourself that so you don't go insane.

Anyways.

When you do get the ring it's important that it will mean something to both of you.

For example, the one I chose has a small sapphire in the center with our initials carved on the side.

Is it sappy?

Yes.

Is it cleché?

Defanatly.

Will Evan love it?

100%

Will Jared make fun of you?

Yes but shut the fuck up Jared.

TiMe FoR aNxIeTy WhIlE pRoCrAsTiNaTiNaTiNg On PrOpOsInG bEcAuSe Of YoUr FeAr Of ReJeCtIoN.

Anxiety's a bitch that can burn in hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the wait. But! 6 chapters left. They're going to be coming soon. I have the last one done. The next one is gonna be a longer one (hopefully).
> 
> But it's getting gay in here.


	17. Step 16: Actually Setting Up The Proposal

For this to work you need to unfortunatly let your Zoe Murphy/Beck and Jared Kleinman in on your plan. You still have the Alana Beck from earlier though.

The Alana will keep the Zoe in check (who's too busy being a shipper to bring up how you're a pussy and all that singling binding shit) and the two of them will keep the Jared in check. The Jared hates you as much as you hate him but he too cares about your Evan and wants Evan to be happy. So you should be fine.

Now, for this too work you gotta start doing the decorations (like gay tree and storage) at the shared home of the Zoe and Alana.

You also have to start sending e-mails like you did in high school. For example:

Dear Evan Hansen,

We haven't done one of these in a while. How's it going? Heard you got a boyfriend. What's he like?

I actually got a boyfriend too. He's actually exactly like you. He's super sweet and cares a lot. He is literally the cutest thing on the face of the Earth.

Sincerely,

Me

Or something along the lines if that. Keep going and start financing your Evan a bit. He will ask about why your sending the e-mails again. Have a reason that isn't proposing ready.

Some good ones include:

Just let me romance you.

Because it's cute.

Why not?

Just to give a food example

Or if you really wanna get vulnerable:

I can go off about how perfect you are without blushing obsessively.

I know your face is the cutest when you read them.

There was a special romantic aspect of sending the e-mails in high school that I wanted to bring back.

Again, just some examples. Come up with your own of you want! 

Just remember to freak out when your Evan won't be home. You wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.


	18. Step 17: Proposing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By longer I meant 288 words over the normal like 150ish.

Aka. Freak out like all day. And top the sneaking around to the max because OH MY GOD.

You will never feel like a bigger piece of shit in your entire life. But the good thing is that your anxiety will go away eventually that day. However, you kinda have to do the proposal thing first which is the source of your anxiety.

Because of the other beings, you had to get involved (Alana Beck, Zoe Beck/Murphy, and Jared Kleinman) you don't have to do as many things to set up the main event. All you have to do is send your Evan an e-mail once the others have confirmed that they're ready.

An e-mail similar to this:

Dear Evan Hansen,

We should go to the orchard today. We haven't been in a while. It'll be fun.

Sincerely, Me

Of course, it would be longer. This is simply a starting point or an example.

Anyways.

Once you send the e-mail it won't be too long before you're in the car headed to the orchard. You will most likely be driving because Evans hate driving. So do try to _not _crash the car in your internal freaking out.__

__Common phrases that might be going through your head include:_ _

__What if he says no?  
What if this whole thing flops?   
What if fucking Jared ruined the surprise?   
What if he thinks its stupid?  
And other anxious "What if" questions_ _

__Your Evan, being the angel he is, will take notice and ask if you're ok. You should reply with something along the lines of "I'm fine. Just thinking." He'll most likely ask if you want to talk about it. Tell him later._ _

__The reason will become clear to him once you propose._ _

__So just don't crash the car or have a panic attack._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeline wise this is before Connor proposes and this is just what he knows will happen.
> 
> 4 chapters left my dudes. I only have to write 3 (I wrote the last one last night) and those are the ones that are slightly easier on my end. (Except maybe the next one but that's not the important part)


	19. Step 18: Have The Proposal Actually Work

Once you get to the orchard successfully without crashing the car tell your Evan you'll race him to the spot. Once he gets to the spot your Evan will find gay tree. (See Step 14 if you are confused). You would have hidden a note in gay tree's leaves that reads "turn around". You will have most likely gotten to the spot at that point.

At that point, you should take your Evan's hands and go on a sappy speech about all the things you've been through together and some of the better things and some of the not so better things. (I can't come up with a speech for you. I have no clue what you've done with your Evan Hansen.) Then you get down on one knee and be like "Dear Evan Hansen, will you marry me?"

You have to hope that your Evan says yes. In my case he did. So I mean. That's lit.

There is quite a bit of crying involved. I was not expecting that much crying would occur. But it did. Be prepared for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was actually easier then I thought. Should be finishing this tonight or tomorrow.


	20. Step 19: Shut Up Jared No One Asked You

After your successful proposal, your Evan will go to literally everyone "Oh my god guys Connor proposed". Alana and Zoe will lose their shit because Alanas and Zoes are shippers. They'll ask what happened and will be like "Awww! That's adorable!"

Jared Kleinman though. 

If you couldn't already tell Jared Kleinmans will be the bane of your existence.

Jared just will laugh at how cliche it was. 

Can you blame him for calling it cliche? No. It was rather cliche.

Can you get pissed for him for thinking it to be hilarious that you were crying and feeling human emotions? Absolutely fucking yes you can.

What can you say?

Fuck off, Jared. No one will go to your fucking baby shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more my dudes. And those will be back to back in a little bit.


	21. Step 20: Be Reminded How Much Your Now Fiance Loves You

I can see why you were hiding chapters Con. Defanatly was worth it. 

I love you to the moon and back Connor. You're amazing. And really hot. Like. Damn. 

I love you. Just there are no words I could sting together that can discribe how amazing you are and how much I love you. Just know that your perfect and there is no one I'd rather spend the rest of my life with.

Love you,

Ev


	22. In Conclusion (Ft. Evan Hansen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Con is normal text. Ev is underlined.

Evan Hansens are amazing creatures. Fuck Jared Kleinmans they can burn in hell.

Connor be nice.

Fine. Zoe Murphyies/Zoe Becks suck don't trust them.

Connor.

FINE. Alana Beck's are chill and can chill unsupervised. Not Jared's and Zoe's though. They need adult supervision.

That's as good as we're gonna get. 

Connor Murphies are incredible. Even if they come off a bit harsh at first they're the most caring beings in the world. Find yourself a Connor Murphy to find extreme happiness. 

More like find an Evan Hansen for extreme happiness.

I love you. 

I love you too.

_~Fin~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this gay my dudes. If you liked this go check out some if my other shit. I have like 15 treebros one shots. Umm... thank you for all the time things you guys have said about this fic. 
> 
> Umm... have a nice day/night. Later dudes.


	23. Sequel

So I've absolutely loved and cherished all of the support this fic has gotten. It is my most popular when I post this update thingy. So because so many people seem to love this: I've decided to give it a sequel. It's called "The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman's Guide To Pretending That You're Fine". It should be up. So like. Check it out if you want. 

It's not as treebros heavy as this book so I understand if you don't want to. But thank you for all of your support.

And for the record, because I feel bad for ruining this: The last chapter on this fic (In Conclusion (ft. Evan Hansen)) was posted on 4/20/2020 (April 20, 2020). I feel bad for messing up the 4/20 finishing date so like. Just gonna say that here.

Kay bye.


End file.
